Tough Love

By Pastor Walt Scott

March 2, 2013

1 John 4:8 &16

⁸ Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

¹⁶ And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.

Proverbs 3:11-12

¹¹My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, ¹²because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

Proverbs 15:32

³² Those who disregard discipline despise themselves,
    but the one who heeds correction gains understanding.

Hebrews 12:7-11

⁷ Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? ⁸ If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. ⁹ Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! ¹⁰ They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. ¹¹ No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Revelation 3:19 & 20

¹⁹ Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. ²⁰ Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

I believe we have all heard the term “tough love” used in conjunction with either juvenile or adult behavior modification. This is supposed to be a process of freeing them, through fear and punishment, from a self-destructive behavior or lifestyle. This could be substance abuse, gangs, potential prison life, disrespect, bad attitude or behavior.

I John 4:18

¹⁸ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

This process uses fear and intimidation, not love, although that is the intent. Does it work? Sometimes, in some cases, but far from a 100% success rate. Why doesn’t it work the majority of the time? Ask yourself; where is triune God in this program? These programs force offenders to confront their lifestyle or addiction by showing them the long term consequences of their current life’s path versus the lifestyle they could have. Other options are intervention and a military style boot camp. Does this work? Some people do well under a 24-hour structured environment. But how does this prepare you to exist out in the world where you have to make lifestyle decisions every day? When Triune God is not present success is marginal and many fall back into old familiar habits. They don’t have Jesus Christ as their rock to stand on and fall back on. In these programs everyone is treated in a similar fashion. No individuality. The authority there doesn’t seem to realize we are all unique and different. What works for one will not necessarily work for another.

Luke 6:45

⁴⁵ A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

God designed us all to be different from one another, yet the same in seeking His love, and relationship and fellowship with one another. He is the only one who knows exactly what is in our hearts. Out of the mouth and through our actions does the heart speak. The trick is, can we access and decipher the real person and what they need to achieve success? This takes the Triune God and God’s people.

1 John 3:18

¹⁸ Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

What do we consider God’s love to be like? We know that he loved us enough to give us his only son, Jesus Christ, as payment for our sin, so he could have relationship with us.

Ephesians 5:1-2

¹ Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children ² and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

John 3:16

¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

We know we are to love and trust him always, in all situations, and under all conditions, just as he loves us. His love endures forever.

1 Chronicles 16:34

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
    his love endures forever.

Psalm 100:5

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
    his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Matthew 22:37-39

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

John 15:12-13

¹² My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³ Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

Proverbs 10:12

Hatred stirs up conflict,
    but love covers over all wrongs.

Remember, Triune God disciplines those he loves. He wants a close relationship with us, and in doing this, oftentimes our faith, belief and trust is tested by the trials and tribulations we will experience in the natural world.

1 John 3:13

¹³ Do not be surprised, my brothers and sisters, if the world hates you.

These trials and tribulations are not initiated by God, but by the natural order of the enemy’s goal in this world.

Matthew 10:28

²⁸ Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

John 10:9-10

⁹ I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved.^[a] They will come in and go out, and find pasture. ¹⁰ The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Triune God allows this to observe our reliance, commitment and trust in his provision and ultimate deliverance. True love conquers all.

I was employed with a County Behavioral Health agency for 7 ½ years. I was in contact with clients daily. Many of these clients were there before I came and were still there after I left. Others would have some success through counseling an rehabilitation, and would leave the program. Most would be pulled back into their old lifestyle and environment and would re-offend. There is very little, if any, support after you leave. Triune God is usually not included as a part of counseling and rehabilitation. It seemed to me that doctor prescribed medications were seen as the answer to most situations. Clients relied on them heavily. This system we have and use can be very toxic. It, at the least, is enabling and makes clients dependent and feel entitled. Without Triune God included, and Christian mentors, success is rare. And my definition of success is independence from all drugs, medications and worldly counseling. These men and women are all God’s children and are equally loved by Him. They need to be empowered, released from their bondage, and healed permanently. They need to know that salvation, healing, redemption, and sanctification are all theirs for the asking from Jesus Christ. Let the Holy Spirit in and let the Spirit lead. Cast out the enemy which is the spirit of addiction, infirmity and mental health issues. Give people support, self-confidence, self-esteem, understanding, wisdom, power and authority. After they receive Jesus Christ as their Savior, they are born again and are justified and qualified. Learn to love others, but yourself first.

Proverbs 22:16

Start children off on the way they should go,
    and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

Now we come to the children. Almost all of the clients I came in contact with had children of various ages. Almost all these children exhibited their own behavioral issues. What exactly are we telling our sons and daughters about their life and God’s role in it? What example are we for them? We are who they will eventually emulate; whether we or they think so, or not. The world will not tell your son that there is much more to an intimate relationship with a girl than sex. The world will not tell your daughter to value herself, and what she has, above the wants and desires of someone else. True love is never in the picture. If it was, a simple “no” would suffice. The world will tell your children about the bad things in the world, such as drugs, alcohol, etc., while at the same time promoting those lifestyles through the messages they receive through tv, music, books, magazines, advertising, etc. It is the parents’ responsibility to give proper guidance and instruction. What young girls do not receive at home, they search for elsewhere. What young boys are not told and shown at home they clearly show in their lack of consideration, self-discipline and obedience, in regard to other people and even family. The use of appropriate discipline and structure is real love.

2 Timothy 1:7

⁷ For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

These reasons can clearly vacillate between either sons or daughters. If the parents were not shown or did not demonstrate these core value principles during their early years, it will be a rare occasion for them to learn later and pass them on. Usually we will see generation after generation consistently displaying poorer and poorer parenting skills.

Ephesians 5:15-21

¹⁵ Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶ making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. ¹⁷ Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. ¹⁸ Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, ¹⁹ speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, ²⁰ always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Proverbs 20:11

Even small children are known by their actions,
    so is their conduct really pure and upright?

Colossians 3:21

Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

Men, young or old, will behave in a way that their conscience dictates, whether good or bad. If they do not see their male role models treating girls, women, or other men with the consideration, respect, and equality they deserve, their behavior will be identical. This works both ways with boys and girls.

Hebrews 10:22

²² let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.

Romans 9:1

⁹ I speak the truth in Christ—I am not lying, my conscience confirms it through the Holy Spirit—

Titus 1:15

¹⁵ To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted.

The mother, or female role model in their lives also has a responsibility to act in a manner suitable to a partnership. It must portray mutual respect, consideration, love, and equality. The young daughters at home also need this identical example shown.

1 Peter 4:8

⁸ Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

They need to know that they matter. What they say, think, do, and what they need. Daughters and sons need equal love and good role models from the mother and father.

1 John 4:8

⁸ Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Matthew 19:14

¹⁴ Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

Ephesians 6:4

⁴ Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

They need to know they are important and are the parents’ priority. Consideration, mutual respect, love and forgiveness are most important to grow sons and daughters who are responsible, accountable and like-minded.

Luke 6:37

⁷ “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

This is all available with a Christ-centered life. Amen.

Isaiah 54:13

All your children will be taught by the Lord,
    and great will be their peace.

Colossians 3:12-14

¹² Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Read all of 1 Corinthians 13